When you and your friend drift apart

It's not you, or them

Sep 19, 2024

You and your friend aren’t as you used to be.

There may not be a specific reason, you’re just drifting in different directions.

Drifting doesn’t have defined edges, no clear rights or wrongs. This can make it awkward and confusing. It can make you question yourself and your choices. It can make you anxious and feel like a bad person, especially if you’re leaning into the drift more than your friend is.

First of all, you're lovely. I'm sure of it because almost everyone is on balance. Plus, you’re reading this because you feel bad which shows you care. Many wouldn’t.

If your friend is a person who has been in your life for a long time, it’s especially hard. Your identity is tied up with them, the experiences that informed your life, etc. How could this person have been so instrumental in your life and now, they’ve become out of shape, no longer fitting? Or maybe it’s you that has changed.

It’s not you, or them

You’re entitled to change and grow and how you relate to the people in your life is part of that growth. Sadly, where there is growth, there is fallout. It doesn’t mean you or the other person is bad, it just means you’ve moved in different directions.

So, allow yourself to be a different version of you now and breathe into all that follows.

At some point in life, you have to choose yourself. And if things are changing it’s a sure sign that you are. So, whilst it’s uncomfortable it’s also great.

Saying ‘No’

You’re finally saying ‘no’ to the things that don’t feel good anymore.

Good for you.

Maybe there will be some hurt, but prioritising someone else is probably something you’ve done a fair amount, and that’s what’s changing.

Life will be better

And do you know what’s brilliant? Once the dust settles and the drifting has fizzled out, your life will be better.

And you deserve your life to be better.

You deserve the best and happiest life you can have.

We all do.

So, take courage. People heal and move on. They will and you will.

The Prompts

So here are a few prompts to help you work through the drift.

Name the feelings

The discomfort, the guilt, the confusion. Here you’re going to name it all and get it out of your head and heart and on to the page. Remember you can destroy what you’ve written at any time so make sure you feel free to really be honest.

Go a step further and describe the feeling. Where do you feel it? What does it remind you of? Does it have a shape? Where is it in your body? Get it all down and then … breathe.

Forgiveness

It’s important to forgive yourself, for whatever it is you think you’re guilty of. You’re probably not guilty of anything but I’m not going to convince you of that. So find a way to forgive yourself now. Maybe channel the voice of someone who absolutely would forgive you, for almost anything.

It could be a fictional character, a grandparent, anyone who has your interest at heart. This person could be dead or alive, fictional, known/unknown, etc. Maybe you see someone regularly at the train station and you think they look like a lovely, forgiving soul. Pick them and see what they have to say.

Thank you

Write a thank you letter to your friend for all the wonderful things they’ve brought to your life, even if that’s helping you to see that you now need to move on. That marks a positive change and it takes many moving parts to make that happen. Tell them that it’s now time for you and even though you might not be able to explain it, this would be harder to achieve with them still in your life. Thank them and say goodbye.

This isn’t intended to be sent, but of course, you always can if it feels right.

And finally …

My new life

Write about the life you’re moving towards if this feels right. The life where you prioritise and care for yourself, where you can have a chance at the things you want. The things you deserve.

Virtual Hug

Discussion about this post